State Property – Ocean’s Seven
so, i saw some recent photos of AnnaLynne McCord, who i know as Eden from one of the best horrible shows on the television – Nip/Tuck. when i saw her, all i could think of was how she would make a great “Famine.” doubting the Apocalypse/four horsemen storyline could ever translate to film and w/nothing else to do w/these pics of Skinny McRibbones, i decided to cast the rest of the 4 horsemen as celebrities in bikinis. because, this is the internet and that’s how things work.
so, w/out any other explanation – here goes:
AnnaLynne McCord – Famine.
Amy Winehouse – Death.
Jodi Marsh, Aubrey Oday, Pam Anderson & Shauna Sand – Pestilence.
Serena Williams – War.
i wrote more to explain why i picked who i did, but, truthfully, i think dwelling on the funny erases any real humor there may be in this joke.
recently, several blogs have been up in clogs over that most delicious invention, the ground bacon burger. as a lover of the swine i’ve got a google alert setup to inform me of creative uses of pork. here’s a handy dandy guide to go beyond the norm and what can be read in a book so that you can truly harness the power of ham.
first, before consuming any of that delectable cat-rat-dog, display your love of bacon by wearing a bacon scarf (or try this style). this can also double as a means to make a quick escape if caught stealing the bacon from your neighbors plate at an ihop. for some of you tight pants wearing ass niggas or for the lil’ she-piggy lover in your life, you can cop this discreet BLT ring. for ladies that are a bit more, adventurous, you can always rock the bacon bra or bikini top.
on to the food…the following idea, i believe was independently discovered while trying to push the limits of bacon baking. the first practitioner shows bacon weaving, a critical method for taking bacon to the next level in sandwichery while the next, bacon molding renders breadbowls utterly useless. combining a staggered bacon weave and some creative bacon molding ushers in the dawn of bacongami and i joyously await for bacon shaped arks filled with lil’ pigs in a blanket. seriously, i can’t think of anything sexier.
if you followed the above instructions and constructed a lil’ salad inside of your new bacon bowl and you’re worried that your salad might be a lil’ too healthy, you can go the traditional route and add some homemade bacon bits, or, you can sprinkle it w/a bit of this fantastic bacon salt. available in 3 wondrous flavors. even though it’s zero calories and fat, hopefully the flavor can trick us into thinking it’s fattening.
now, to help wash down this pörkgåsbord, why not try a bloody mary made with jalapeno/bacon infused vodka? i swear i’ve heard Jay rap “drunk of swine/ mami on P” before, so i’m sure this would go over well at the snazziest of events.
shout outs to omillio.
and, finally, bacon as dessert. if you’re on the go and would like to savor your bacon — bacon pops, for those of you not suffering in this heatwave, who don’t worry about melting of the subsequent pounds we have this remarkable snack sensation, and, of course, bacon + maple + donut. understanding that some of these may be a bit extreme for you, the great grocery eats brings it home with bacon ice cream.
so, your rockin’ a bacon scarf, drank a bacon mojito and finished it off w/a lil’ bacon frusen gladje but now you’ve got to worry about your hygiene. no worries, dentist recommended, fat boy approved – be sure to take care of of those pearly whites w/a lil’ something we call bacon floss.