i live close to atlanta, so it’s been pretty much nonstop Vick coverage for the past 4 months. now that Vick will accept the plea agreement, the only thing left are the absolute final details of his involvement, and, of course, the sentencing. forgoing any unimportant information about whether or not numba seven murked a mutt or two, we can start to look back at the first half of his career and towards his upcoming time as Prisoner #IH8BARKN.
up until this point, Vick has lived a life of fun, frivolity and fantasy, so, his next step should be into a world of whimsy, namely, Oz. of course, i am talking about HBO’s Oswald State Correctional Facility. i couldn’t possibly think of a better place to learn about life behind bars than turning to the great givers of knowledge, my emotional mom: TV and my pragmatic pop: the Intarweb.
on to the list…
5. Kareem Said
outside of his annoying muslim rhetoric ((don’t get all pissy, ham-haters, every “leader” of a “religious group” spews annoying rhetoric)) Vick will also have to deal with his around the clock praying, educated-man over-annunciating, Said mumbling ideas about his next book and frequent visits from his underlings.
the best Vick can hope for — Said’s charismatic ways and strong conviction will force Mike to reevaluate his life decisions and he’ll come out muslim like Mike (Tyson, that is). after changing his name to Ahmad Dawgsrokka, he’ll quietly return to the NFL.
what’s likely to happen — tasty beanpies and some interesting reading in the next copy of the final call, on the good side. on the bad, gets hit by a stray bullet fired in Said’s direction and ends up in one of Augustus’s hand me down wheelchairs.
4. Tobias Beecher
Beecher probably won’t attempt to kill Vick. But, he is unstable and prone to erratic changes in his mood and thus, his behaviour. while in Oz, basically everybody in Beecher’s life was a target, so, if you have a nice positive relationship w/the Beech, you may find yourself in harm’s way. also, depending on whether or not Schillinger and the KKKrew have recently attempted to kill anyone that Beecher cares about, Vick could return to his cell to find Beecher geeked up and violent.
not to mention, this fuck is a lawyer. and if you’ve ever spent time sitting in a cube next to a co-worker that knew a lil’ bit too much about how a pending case in pop culture was going, you can easily understand how spending 20 hours in a 6X9 with this legal beagle could be make your 12month sentence feel like 16 games against the ’85 Bears.
the best Vick can hope for — after yet another of one of the people beecher cares about is murdered, he might end up in a huddled mass of tears, bawlin’ in Vick’s arms then offering him a bit of sweet mouth.love.
what’s likely to happen — in an attempt to fram Beecher, Vick’ll catch an inventive method of murkination along the lines of being slammed into a pool of electrified water and drowning while unconscious.
outside of their holier-than-thou rants (just imagine how much Beecher or Said would bitch about the legal & moral aspects of dog-fighting) there is one more thing the muslim and the lawyer have in common — neither one of them is likely to attempt go spelunking down Vick’s manhole. from this point on though, all thoughts of a well preserved, exit only mangina can leave Vick’s thoughts, forever.
things only get worse from this point on »
