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recently, several blogs have been up in clogs over that most delicious invention, the ground bacon burger.  as a lover of the swine i’ve got a google alert setup to inform me of creative uses of pork. here’s a handy dandy guide to go beyond the norm and what can be read in a book so that you can truly harness the power of ham.

first, before consuming any of that delectable cat-rat-dog, display your love of bacon by wearing a bacon scarf (or try this style).  this can also double as a means to make a quick escape if caught stealing the bacon from your neighbors plate at an ihop. for some of you tight pants wearing ass niggas or for the lil’ she-piggy lover in your life, you can cop this discreet BLT ring.  for ladies that are a bit more, adventurous, you can always rock the bacon bra or bikini top.

on to the food…the following idea, i believe was independently discovered while trying to push the limits of bacon baking.  the first practitioner shows bacon weaving, a critical method for taking bacon to the next level in sandwichery while the next, bacon molding renders breadbowls utterly useless.  combining a staggered bacon weave and some creative bacon molding ushers in the dawn of bacongami and i joyously await for bacon shaped arks filled with lil’ pigs in a blanket.  seriously, i can’t think of anything sexier.

if you followed the above instructions and constructed a lil’ salad inside of your new bacon bowl and you’re worried that your salad might be a lil’ too healthy, you can go the traditional route and add some homemade bacon bits, or, you can sprinkle it w/a bit of this fantastic bacon salt. available in 3 wondrous flavors. even though it’s zero calories and fat, hopefully the flavor can trick us into thinking it’s fattening.

now, to help wash down this pörkgåsbord, why not try a bloody mary made with jalapeno/bacon infused vodka?  i swear i’ve heard Jay rap “drunk of swine/ mami on P” before, so i’m sure this would go over well at the snazziest of events.

shout outs to omillio.

and, finally, bacon as dessert. if you’re on the go and would like to savor your bacon — bacon pops, for those of you not suffering in this heatwave, who don’t worry about melting of the subsequent pounds we have this remarkable snack sensation, and, of course, bacon + maple + donut. understanding that some of these may be a bit extreme for you, the great grocery eats brings it home with bacon ice cream.

UPDATED:

so, your rockin’ a bacon scarf, drank a bacon mojito and finished it off w/a lil’ bacon frusen gladje but now you’ve got to worry about your hygiene.  no worries, dentist recommended,  fat boy approved - be sure to take care of of those pearly whites w/a lil’ something we call bacon floss.

no shame — anybody that knows me knows that i have a potentially hazardous obsession with women’s clothes. not on some hoover, but more so to figure out these birds maneuvers. the follow up novella to the book i never released is called, “‘the ‘flage: uncovering women’s secret techniques.” i sincerely believe that what women choose to wear is a great indicator to the type of lass you’re dealing with.

so, one of my favorite things to find in my feed is a are you feeling this get up?, who rocked it better or who runs it? i see their is a niche market for clothing comparisons and have been giving some serious thought about launching the utterly fantastic blog — hoesinthesameclothes.

even though actresses, models & musicians may have some sort of issue w/b’n referred to as hoes — it’s somewhat ironic that actual factual hoes don’t have an issue wearing the same clothes.

gallery after the jump

inspired by Chris Sims’ fantastic writeup of Luke Cage demanding his scrilla, i decided to find the absolute best image (quality wise) from the intarweb as possible.

the original goal was a typical “big image w/ sound file” post including a link to Sims’ blog. i even had a nice little song picked out and that would be that.

however, along the way, a few cool things happened…

like, finding a shitload of remixes of got your money from all across the internets.

which, was sorta perfect, because i had already decided to start remixing the picture myself.

for years, I have been saying that hip-hop is the cornerstone of our cut’n'paste culture. this “project” has showed me how things have advanced and how everyone is borrowing from everyone. Ctrl+C -> Ctrl+V, indeed.

as we continue along this jurnee, we will see the true glory of samples, allusions, remixes, refixes, slight winks/nudges and everything that incorporates how my brain works.

or, something like that…

i live close to atlanta, so it’s been pretty much nonstop Vick coverage for the past 4 months. now that Vick will accept the plea agreement, the only thing left are the absolute final details of his involvement, and, of course, the sentencing. forgoing any unimportant information about whether or not numba seven murked a mutt or two, we can start to look back at the first half of his career and towards his upcoming time as Prisoner #IH8BARKN.

up until this point, Vick has lived a life of fun, frivolity and fantasy, so, his next step should be into a world of whimsy, namely, Oz. of course, i am talking about HBO’s Oswald State Correctional Facility. i couldn’t possibly think of a better place to learn about life behind bars than turning to the great givers of knowledge, my emotional mom: TV and my pragmatic pop: the Intarweb.

on to the list…

5. Kareem Said
outside of his annoying muslim rhetoric Vick will also have to deal with his around the clock praying, educated-man over-annunciating, Said mumbling ideas about his next book and frequent visits from his underlings.

the best Vick can hope for — Said’s charismatic ways and strong conviction will force Mike to reevaluate his life decisions and he’ll come out muslim like Mike (Tyson, that is). after changing his name to Ahmad Dawgsrokka, he’ll quietly return to the NFL.
what’s likely to happen — tasty beanpies and some interesting reading in the next copy of the final call, on the good side. on the bad, gets hit by a stray bullet fired in Said’s direction and ends up in one of Augustus’s hand me down wheelchairs.

4. Tobias Beecher
Beecher probably won’t attempt to kill Vick. But, he is unstable and prone to erratic changes in his mood and thus, his behaviour. while in Oz, basically everybody in Beecher’s life was a target, so, if you have a nice positive relationship w/the Beech, you may find yourself in harm’s way. also, depending on whether or not Schillinger and the KKKrew have recently attempted to kill anyone that Beecher cares about, Vick could return to his cell to find Beecher geeked up and violent.

not to mention, this fuck is a lawyer. and if you’ve ever spent time sitting in a cube next to a co-worker that knew a lil’ bit too much about how a pending case in pop culture was going, you can easily understand how spending 20 hours in a 6X9 with this legal beagle could be make your 12month sentence feel like 16 games against the ‘85 Bears.

the best Vick can hope for — after yet another of one of the people beecher cares about is murdered, he might end up in a huddled mass of tears, bawlin’ in Vick’s arms then offering him a bit of sweet mouth.love.
what’s likely to happen — in an attempt to fram Beecher, Vick’ll catch an inventive method of murkination along the lines of being slammed into a pool of electrified water and drowning while unconscious.

outside of their holier-than-thou rants (just imagine how much Beecher or Said would bitch about the legal & moral aspects of dog-fighting) there is one more thing the muslim and the lawyer have in common — neither one of them is likely to attempt go spelunking down Vick’s manhole. from this point on though, all thoughts of a well preserved, exit only mangina can leave Vick’s thoughts, forever.

things only get worse from this point on »

Barker and Pacman:
more in Common than you might think.

In addition to a new host, their would need to be a few changes to the core elements of the gameshow. One of the first things necessary would be a nighttime broadcast and at least a PG-13 rating.

Contestant’s row would be replaced by “In the VIP.” Maybe the theme song could use a remix as well.

Although Bob has been slowly dumping some of the classic Barker’s Beauties over the years, Pacman would jettison the entire squad in favor of two teams of “shoe models” named Pacman’s Clappers & Jones Jigglers. Keeping with his sports roots, Steady-Duckin’-Pinky-&-Sue will use the one half of the broadcast to showcase the Clappers and the next to showcase the Jigglers to create a “sense of competition and tension.” The girls will cheer for their individual showcase champion at the end of the show during the Showcase Showdown. In addition, their will be a weekly Featured Dancer that performs prior to the Showcase Showdown.

And, as for the prizes… nobody will make the cash drop like Mr. Make-It-Rain himself…