top five worst possible cellmates for Michael Vick: Oz Edition.

i live close to atlanta, so it’s been pretty much nonstop Vick coverage for the past 4 months. now that Vick will accept the plea agreement, the only thing left are the absolute final details of his involvement, and, of course, the sentencing. forgoing any unimportant information about whether or not numba seven murked a mutt or two, we can start to look back at the first half of his career and towards his upcoming time as Prisoner #IH8BARKN.

up until this point, Vick has lived a life of fun, frivolity and fantasy, so, his next step should be into a world of whimsy, namely, Oz. of course, i am talking about HBO’s Oswald State Correctional Facility. i couldn’t possibly think of a better place to learn about life behind bars than turning to the great givers of knowledge, my emotional mom: TV and my pragmatic pop: the Intarweb.

on to the list…

5. Kareem Said
outside of his annoying muslim rhetoric ((don’t get all pissy, ham-haters, every “leader” of a “religious group” spews annoying rhetoric)) Vick will also have to deal with his around the clock praying, educated-man over-annunciating, Said mumbling ideas about his next book and frequent visits from his underlings.

Another Late Meeting

the best Vick can hope for — Said’s charismatic ways and strong conviction will force Mike to reevaluate his life decisions and he’ll come out muslim like Mike (Tyson, that is). after changing his name to Ahmad Dawgsrokka, he’ll quietly return to the NFL.
what’s likely to happen — tasty beanpies and some interesting reading in the next copy of the final call, on the good side. on the bad, gets hit by a stray bullet fired in Said’s direction and ends up in one of Augustus’s hand me down wheelchairs.

4. Tobias Beecher
Beecher probably won’t attempt to kill Vick. But, he is unstable and prone to erratic changes in his mood and thus, his behaviour. while in Oz, basically everybody in Beecher’s life was a target, so, if you have a nice positive relationship w/the Beech, you may find yourself in harm’s way. also, depending on whether or not Schillinger and the KKKrew have recently attempted to kill anyone that Beecher cares about, Vick could return to his cell to find Beecher geeked up and violent.

not to mention, this fuck is a lawyer. and if you’ve ever spent time sitting in a cube next to a co-worker that knew a lil’ bit too much about how a pending case in pop culture was going, you can easily understand how spending 20 hours in a 6X9 with this legal beagle could be make your 12month sentence feel like 16 games against the ’85 Bears.

the best Vick can hope for — after yet another of one of the people beecher cares about is murdered, he might end up in a huddled mass of tears, bawlin’ in Vick’s arms then offering him a bit of sweet
what’s likely to happen — in an attempt to fram Beecher, Vick’ll catch an inventive method of murkination along the lines of being slammed into a pool of electrified water and drowning while unconscious.

outside of their holier-than-thou rants (just imagine how much Beecher or Said would bitch about the legal & moral aspects of dog-fighting) there is one more thing the muslim and the lawyer have in common — neither one of them is likely to attempt go spelunking down Vick’s manhole. from this point on though, all thoughts of a well preserved, exit only mangina can leave Vick’s thoughts, forever.

first, a little music to set the mood ((i’ve always thought that this song and keith sweat’s “i’ll make you sweat” w/it’s “you say no/ i say yes” chorus sounded like the soundtrack to rape. i’m pretty sure some comedian has said this in his routine and i’m sharking at this point)) ((yes, i know using the word “shark” instead of biting is the ultimate bite))

3. Chris Keller
i have “a thing” for combining words. some examples are “persnickety bitch,” “swamp.gunch” and “blackwater snatch.” i typically use “blackwater snatch” to describe the amazing power contained in the badu delta. another personal favorite, although stolen from el-p is “liquid shit surprise.” i’m certain these brief illustrations can show how a couple of words that normally wouldn’t appear next to each other can have a way more powerful impact ((boom from the cannon)).

Badu’s Blackwater

in describing Christopher Meloni’s character Chris Keller, wikipedia uses the phrase “bisexual serial killer.” that, my friend’s is fucking scary. Keller exhibited some strange form of male “blackwater snatch,” and would probably seduce Vick into giving up some sweaty swamp.gunch in the middle of the night leaving Vick mumbling about Orange Moon’s while laying in a steamy puddle of liquid shit surprise. of course, because he’s a persnickety bitch, Keller would flip flop on Vick afterwards leaving the former QB as confused as a Cover 3 Zone.

the best Vick can hope for — the best sex ((with a man)) he’s ever had.
what’s likely to happen — broken arms and/or legs coupled with “early release” for “time well spent” in “the hole.”

2. Adebisi
is adebisi more stereotype or prototype?

  • drug dealer turned addict. stereotype.
  • ill-fitting hat and an indecipherable accent. prototype.
  • terrific dancer. ?

i guess that’s up to you to decide.

the best Vick can hope for — due to his speed and elusiveness, Vick is able to avoid getting “sacked” by Adebisi much like penelope pussycat dodges pepe le pew. after proving that he retained his mobility, Vick quickly moves up the ranks in Adebisi’s drug running network and flourishes on the inside like he never did on the field.
what’s likely to happen — Vick becomes a real-life Paul Crewe, w/out the happy ending as his 17-32 163 1TD 2INT, 12RA for 123YD performance isn’t enough to lift his team past the guards and Vick gets his tendon sliced in the showers after the game.

1. Vernon Schillinger
although “bisexual serial.killer” is pretty frightenint, i don’t think it can compare with keeping with “ass-raping.nazi.” it’s difficult to see J K Simmons as anything other than a cornhole-throttling skinhead. every time Tobey’s spidey sense alerted him of danger, i thought we would see Jameson creeping up behind him to get a piece of that well toned mutant spider bunghole.

Watch Out, Spidey!

although Schillinger would probably refrain from taking up residence in Vick’s mancave he could probably be counted on for leasing rental space out to various other inmates. we can bet that he’d be branded in some form of fashion, either through a swastika over one of his buttcheeks, or worse, mike’s career completion percentage on his left hand.

the best Vick can hope for — quick clean death.
what’s likely to happen — friends? dead. family? dead. limbs & rectum? foo & bar, respectively.