top five (un)sexy halloween costumes.

another year and another opportunity for nice young respectable ladies to unleash their inner skank in the guise of all hallows eve. like moths to the flame — candy corn and free admission for ladies in costume compels young coeds, coworkers and convention cosplayers to don boots you shouldn’t walk in, fantastic plastics and questionable headgear in celebration of their repressed fantasies.

although an occasional young lass manages to emerge from the pile of cheap accessories looking like a star, the majority of the people shooting for the moon end up lost in space. to help these ladies, i’ve compiled a list of the top 5 costume ideas that they should avoid at all costs. the idea is either overdone (there will be someone else at the party dressed just like you), not as sexy as she thinks (lady cops? lady, stop.) or way too difficult to pull off (hint – episode 4).

Eagles Cheerleaders

honorable mention – cheerleader.
the sexy cheerleader is the leading choice for sexy sports/athletics related costumes. there are plenty of options for the lady who wants to show off her sexy & playful side whilst giving in to her partner’s fantasy to plug his favorite athlete. the lingerie bowl gave us sexy football players, mariah showed us how a basketball jersey can become sexy, but none of these have the staying power of the sexy cheerleader.

Cheerleaders in costume

why they just missed the list.
the thing about cheerleaders, is, they are oft-times sexy. so, although not every girl in a cheerleader outfit is sexy, most real life cheerleaders are. just look at these cheerleaders in halloween costumes. cheerleader in halloween costume vs regular lady in cheerleader costume is about as unfair as last Sunday’s Patriots-Redskins game.1 the sports genre also holds a few real-life sexy individuals like that volleyball chick, assketball sensation dnika romero, & various forms of questionably sexy bodybuilders, gymnasts & tennis stars.

5. french maids.
there is something inherently sexy about a young lady in a french maid costume. first off, when coupled w/shoes that should rarely be worn and never walked in, and properly gartered hosiery2, we’ve got a tremendous base to what i personally consider sexy. outside of the legshow, the top typically exposes enough of the fleshymounds for something truly exciting.

so, with all these great ingredients, what’s wrong w/the french maid costume? for one, there are no real life french maids. so where the hell are all these different types of costumes coming from? the extreme variance of costume leads to an extreme variance on the type of person that wears the costume making it difficult to keep up a high standard of quality.

pros – heels, legs, cleavage.
cons – lack of originality & complete lack of real-life counterpart.

4. sexy cops.
Illegal Searchpigs aren’t sexy. save that one shining example of pigly sexitude. the “sexy civil servant uniform” gets a huge thumbs down. that goes for sexy pilots, sexy firefighters, and all of the sexy armed services.

what the hell is up w/all the cross-pollination of sexy & military inspired uniforms? why isn’t there a sexy fast food cash register worker section? i’ve seen way more sexy women behind a starbucks counter or in those tight black mcdonald’s slacks than i’ve ever seen patrolling the fair streets of my city. and, we won’t mention the horrible high waist on most cop uniforms that create a glutinous gut division that is completely not.the.sexy.

i’m not into handcuffs, inappropriate usage of nightsticks or broom handles. no matter how interesting the concept of good copbad cop threeski weeski is, i’ll have to decline.

Black Cop! Black Cop, Black Cop, Black Cop.furthermore, let’s just get beyond all the goofy fantasy shit. the “sexy” cop is still rooted in the reality of existing female cops. and those female cops typically don’t look very sexy.

pros – maybe, good cop bad cop threeski weeski.
cons – i, personally, find officers of the law to be professionally unattractive. also handcuffs & nightsticks can only lead to bad things.

3. the sexy nurse.
Nurse Feelgoodthe largest gap between what the fantasy costume has become and what the standard uniform actually is belongs to the “sexy nurse.” there’s no doubt that it’s possible to look “attractive” in a nurse uniform, just tune your boob tube to an episode of scrubs, grey’s3, where you can catch one or two good looking women wearing scrubs. hwvr, that’s a unisex uniform and i can state, unilaterally, that it does not look sexy in and of itself. (most) real life nurses aren’t sexy. and neither are their uniforms. especially not their disgusting all white shoes.

even the fantasy of a nurse is a bit weird to me. i don’t understand why anyone would have a desire to catch a syringe from a nurse. sure, i know some people are into bloodplay, watersports and all other forms of scary fetish shizz, but, when most people think of sexy slim goodies in nursing outfits i tend to think of them as scary she-demons clad in industrial plastics waiting to tear into my flesh.

pros – plastique uniform makes for easy cleanup.
cons – professional unattractiveness, extremely unoriginal, real life counterpoints ruin any fantasy and even the fantasy is kucfed.

2. random superhero/ cosplay costume.
The (in)Famous Cammy Pic superhero costumes basically fall into one of 3 major superheroine styles — superwomen, wonderwomen and catwoman. it’s a shame that marvel hasn’t been able to create an iconic easily ripped off costume for one of their female heroines — but it’s their fault for making one of their lead women wear dirty, smoky blue sweats when she isn’t effin invisible.

we’re more likely to catch a poison ivy, harley quinn or gimp masked batgirl before we see storm or jean grey.

of course, there are far more superheroes out there, simple and intricate and many women decide to go that route instead of one of the big 3. those women, are big ass nerds, or wifey material, considering your point of view. these are your con visitors, your cosplay queens, the amidala in chapter 2 camera angle 46 freaks. people who know of, and generally enjoy tentacle rape, and not just for it’s visuals, but for the shreaking soundtrack, as well.

the big problem, is that most people in a costume are already trying to reach a fairly unattainable standard of beauty but now these people are trying to reach a standard that isn’t even based in reality. sure, felicia is a great character design but even though some may come close while not completely nailing the costume, others will get the costume correct, with frightening results.

pros – possible nostalgia points – linda carter WW or earth kitt catwoman rekindles flames.
cons – completely unoriginal or too obscure4, impossible to meet standards, lady in costume may decide to use “the method approach”, the “sticky situation”5.

counterpoint — much like paul dini, i have decided to encourage my woman to dress as zatanna (the no buttons version) this halloween. in her best incarnation, she’s got the fishnets & the explosion w/out being as common as a french maid, or as overdone as one of the big three. a tinge of obscurity and a dash of easy access makes for the best possible blend. now, i’ve just got to find a tapered jacket w/tails.

1. schoolgirls
schoolgirls aren’t sexy.
schoolgirls are 5-10, depending on your state’s laws and whether or not you’ve got a world tour planned in the upcoming month.
pigtails aren’t sexy, they are childish.
britney wasn’t sexy, she was jailbait.

no links to pictures, you disgustoids. for shame.
for shame.

pros – none.
cons – does the phrase, “to catch a predator” ring any bells?

disagree?
leave a comment — throw a link to some images. i’m willing to debate, i could be wrong.

Check out previous Top Fives.
Top Five Possible Cellmates for Michael Vick: Oz Edition
Top Five Bra-Alternatives

notes:
  1. that 4th quarter touchdown for the deadskins is equivalent to the gruesome chick at the halloween party getting hit on at 3:00am []
  2. fishnets are a plus []
  3. or any other number of effin’ doctor-lawyer shows. isn’t it disgusting how many shows have the doctor/ lawyer setup. even the stinkin’ cosby’s were a doctor and a lawyer to give you some crappy ass readymade emergency or pending-results drama episodes []
  4. there’s a bell curve goin’ on []
  5. the sticky situation occurs when one attempts to use honey, syrup or various other highly messy products as a bedroom add-on. sure, it sounds like a good idea, but it makes for a horrible cleanup process and typically takes an unfortunate amount of prep-time to 1)utilize in the first place & 2)help to avoid causing a problematic cleanup. this problem would occur in the case of the female using some form of body paint/ glitter/ you-can’t-do-that-on-television green slime etc. that would undoubtedly ruin your sheets/ carpets & furniture’s upholstery []

Comments (5)

  1. eben wrote::

    i can’t decide if i was more disturbed by the unsexy lady cop or felicia (the version where the costume wearer didn’t exactly nail it).

    Tuesday, October 30, 2007 at 8:32 #
  2. rashad wrote::

    I would like to throw the sexy librarian costume in the mix: http://www.zoogstercostumes.com/products/la8867.html

    Honestly? There’s no set costume for a librarian, except for the strategically placed glasses. But of the ones you listed, I’ll take the sexy cop.

    Wednesday, October 31, 2007 at 7:51 #
  3. bfnh wrote::

    still waiting on comcast to update my cable situation, but, i have a link (or three) and an update (or 7) to add to this.

    on the disturbing part – there is a french maid that i must add, can’t believe i forgot it.

    there was a girl who had all types of sexy librarian type shit but i think she’s “moved on.”

    Thursday, November 1, 2007 at 7:49 #
  4. Bill Larson wrote::

    Are you gay or a woman? Women are sexy. Period. The costumes and combinations you’re trashing only demonstrate that you have no desire to be with a woman, or you are one (and probably an ugly or incredibly f@#king stuck up one at that). Why am I even responding to this? Where’s your costume and your sexy originality? What the hell is with your use of the word unrealistic??!! It’s Halloween Dumb ass! If you want the guys opinion: Hot! If you want the girls opinion: Well, doesn’t really matter, you all hate each other anyway, so there’s no sense in pretending you’re going to do anything right in the eyes of any other woman no matter how hard you try. If this is a guy writting this article: Fudge Packer!!

    Monday, November 2, 2009 at 7:52 #
  5. TB wrote::

    Apparently Bill and I are the only 2 people thus far on this trail that actually have working male genitalia.

    All these chicks are hot. (well one of them is a little fugly, but the costumes still rock)

    The School girl thing has nothing to do with anyone under age, it’s about the high skirt and the way the tops just grip against their cleavage.

    And I would definately tap that librarian (if i were still single that is, but i certainly would happy if i came home from work to find my wife in that outfit)

    Friday, September 16, 2011 at 11:01 #