HDQ&A: what to do when your ex calls.

over at a lil’ website, i used to run a Hump Day Q&A where i would give advice to the kids on all matters of life, including, but not limited to love, sex, and what to do when you find a young lady that loves sex. it wasn’t as dirty as savage love, but it was slightly sexier than a threeski with sue johansen & dr. ruth. by slightly, i mean the difference between a deep tissue ben-gay massage and a dentures on the nightstand, look grandma, no teeth tonsil check.

so, recently, while paroosin’ i came across a young man that wasn’t sure how to handle calls from an ex and felt the need to impart some of the patented wisdom from Dr. Cockinbush. in this situation, he had a girl and got a call from one of his exes. the conversation went well and he wasn’t sure what to tell the ex (heretofore known as “the former”) or what to say to his new girl (“the current”) about the call. now, any of you that are in a happy, functional relationship w/a young lady already know what to tell the current: not a damneded thing. so, “the issue” falls on what to relay to the former.

[audio:gangstarr – ex girl to next girl rmx.mp3]

now, me personally, i’ve taken the path of least resistance w/most of my exes. i ignore the call until they realize that i will never pick up the phone. it’s part of my stagnant strategem™. the power in the stagnant strategem™ is in it’s effectiveness to effort ratio. you do nothing, and everything you want happens. it’s weakpoint is persistence; it’s downside — relative speed. but, i’ll illustrate the finer points of doing nothing at a later date.

so, you’re probably reading along, feeling kinda lost, tryna figure out what the prollem is and why this guy needs my advice. this dude wanted to attempt a friendship with the former. ahh… youth.

You deserve the ignorance and bliss that I still wish I had

when you’ve got a girl, the only way somebody you used to fuck can be your friend is if she is in a satisfying relationship herself. it would also help if your current partner thought that the ex (cuz no matter what you call her, your girl calls her your “ex”) was w/a dude that was doin’ better (physically, financially, on the sticks in madden) than you are. then, current’s first thought won’t be that former still wants to be with you. it’ll still be her second or third, though. the only way that you can be certain that your current doesn’t think the former wants to make the beast w/two back w/you anymore is if your current had her back blown out by your former’s current or dreams of the day when she will. that’s prolly a lil’ more than your willing to consider at this point, so let’s try to get past that.

it could be possible that you bump into this girl in public. if so, it is imperative that you act as “normal” as possible. introduce them, former gets first name, last name treatment, current title (“my lady,” “my girl,” “ms splackavelli”) firstname treatment. if for some reason, the former is remarkably respectful of your girl and doesn’t spend too much time giving you lingering glances. doesn’t laugh too hard. doesn’t look that good. then maybe you have a chance of saying you saw a care like hers on the other side of the freeway w/out your current attacking you in your sleep. not sure how strong of a friendship it is, but, it’s better than nothing, right?

but, seriously, what is there to gain? another friend that you can’t _really_ be a friend to? any of my friends can call at any hour. no matter what, this ex would never reach that status. so, essentially, the best that this old girl can be is a tier 2 friend and the worst is a constant headache w/your current lady. y’know, the one that you are trying to have a future with.

i say, fuck it. tell her “nice seein’ you. glad you aren’t dead. love what you did w/your hair. don’t ever talk to me again.”

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