The beat in the background sounds like there should be a quick edit caper going on. This is soundtrack music. Maybe it can reinvigorate the XXX franchise and place both Mark Sinclair Vincent and O’Shea Jackson into the same film.

[Click through to site to listen to the song]
The Inviseez – Haggen Daj (swiped from the lovely/talented/resourceful DJ Tara of sugarcuts.com)

Now, a story…

Not too long ago, I came across a grip of new Melyssa Ford Photos for King Magazine featuring quite a fantastic pose. There are a great deal of remarkable details in this picture, but I think we can all agree that the pose itself makes the picture. I had to note that I had seen something very similar before at the always great Zigga Zagga Productions. As following with the New York Times guidelines, we’ve seen in the past, although two is a coincidence, it’s best to wait until you get that third to call it a trend. This also helps make a solid post. Luckily, while blackberry rss feed hopping earlier, I came across this final image from The Dynasty Series which allows me to form a set.

Now, recently, a russian lass took the internet by storm by whaletailing the world – inspiring spinoffs, remixes and global glasnost. Now, photographers, you’ve got the new black to add to your lil’ snap happy sessions.

UPDATE: looks like photographers did take note. The photo works w/everything from a lil’ bitty Pixie poke to a tremendous, astounding Maliah Michel underhang.

recently, several blogs have been up in clogs over that most delicious invention, the ground bacon burger.  as a lover of the swine i’ve got a google alert setup to inform me of creative uses of pork. here’s a handy dandy guide to go beyond the norm and what can be read in a book so that you can truly harness the power of ham.

first, before consuming any of that delectable cat-rat-dog, display your love of bacon by wearing a bacon scarf (or try this style).  this can also double as a means to make a quick escape if caught stealing the bacon from your neighbors plate at an ihop. for some of you tight pants wearing ass niggas or for the lil’ she-piggy lover in your life, you can cop this discreet BLT ring.  for ladies that are a bit more, adventurous, you can always rock the bacon bra or bikini top.

on to the food…the following idea, i believe was independently discovered while trying to push the limits of bacon baking.  the first practitioner shows bacon weaving, a critical method for taking bacon to the next level in sandwichery while the next, bacon molding renders breadbowls utterly useless.  combining a staggered bacon weave and some creative bacon molding ushers in the dawn of bacongami and i joyously await for bacon shaped arks filled with lil’ pigs in a blanket.  seriously, i can’t think of anything sexier.

if you followed the above instructions and constructed a lil’ salad inside of your new bacon bowl and you’re worried that your salad might be a lil’ too healthy, you can go the traditional route and add some homemade bacon bits, or, you can sprinkle it w/a bit of this fantastic bacon salt. available in 3 wondrous flavors. even though it’s zero calories and fat, hopefully the flavor can trick us into thinking it’s fattening.

now, to help wash down this pörkgåsbord, why not try a bloody mary made with jalapeno/bacon infused vodka?  i swear i’ve heard Jay rap “drunk of swine/ mami on P” before, so i’m sure this would go over well at the snazziest of events.

[Click through to site to listen to the song]
shout outs to omillio.

and, finally, bacon as dessert. if you’re on the go and would like to savor your bacon — bacon pops, for those of you not suffering in this heatwave, who don’t worry about melting of the subsequent pounds we have this remarkable snack sensation, and, of course, bacon + maple + donut. understanding that some of these may be a bit extreme for you, the great grocery eats brings it home with bacon ice cream.

UPDATED:

so, your rockin’ a bacon scarf, drank a bacon mojito and finished it off w/a lil’ bacon frusen gladje but now you’ve got to worry about your hygiene.  no worries, dentist recommended,  fat boy approved – be sure to take care of of those pearly whites w/a lil’ something we call bacon floss.

so, one of my favorite things to find in my feed is a are you feeling this get up?, who rocked it better or who runs it? i see their is a niche market for clothing comparisons and have been giving some serious thought about launching the utterly fantastic blog — hoesinthesameclothes.

even though actresses, models & musicians may have some sort of issue w/b’n referred to as hoes — it’s somewhat ironic that actual factual hoes don’t have an issue wearing the same clothes.

hopefully, they won’t decide to take their fashion cues from this snazzy young lass {via} — it would seriously hamper my ability to provide obvious examples of one-upsmanship.

late edit – “research” has found Carmella Bing, Amber Fox & Aurora Jolie all rocking the same gear, but it’s essentiall impossible to find a pic clean enough to include w/the rest of these.  I’m sure if you wanted to find it, you could…

the original goal was a typical “big image w/ sound file” post including a link to Sims’ blog. i even had a nice little song picked out and that would be that.

[Click through to site to listen to the song]

however, along the way, a few cool things happened…

like, finding a shitload of remixes of got your money from all across the internets.

which, was sorta perfect, because i had already decided to start remixing the picture myself.

for years, I have been saying that hip-hop is the cornerstone of our cut’n'paste culture. this “project” has showed me how things have advanced and how everyone is borrowing from everyone. Ctrl+C -> Ctrl+V, indeed.

as we continue along this jurnee, we will see the true glory of samples, allusions, remixes, refixes, slight winks/nudges and everything that incorporates how my brain works.

or, something like that…

up until this point, Vick has lived a life of fun, frivolity and fantasy, so, his next step should be into a world of whimsy, namely, Oz. of course, i am talking about HBO’s Oswald State Correctional Facility. i couldn’t possibly think of a better place to learn about life behind bars than turning to the great givers of knowledge, my emotional mom: TV and my pragmatic pop: the Intarweb.

on to the list…

5. Kareem Said
outside of his annoying muslim rhetoric Vick will also have to deal with his around the clock praying, educated-man over-annunciating, Said mumbling ideas about his next book and frequent visits from his underlings.

the best Vick can hope for — Said’s charismatic ways and strong conviction will force Mike to reevaluate his life decisions and he’ll come out muslim like Mike (Tyson, that is). after changing his name to Ahmad Dawgsrokka, he’ll quietly return to the NFL.
what’s likely to happen — tasty beanpies and some interesting reading in the next copy of the final call, on the good side. on the bad, gets hit by a stray bullet fired in Said’s direction and ends up in one of Augustus’s hand me down wheelchairs.

4. Tobias Beecher
Beecher probably won’t attempt to kill Vick. But, he is unstable and prone to erratic changes in his mood and thus, his behaviour. while in Oz, basically everybody in Beecher’s life was a target, so, if you have a nice positive relationship w/the Beech, you may find yourself in harm’s way. also, depending on whether or not Schillinger and the KKKrew have recently attempted to kill anyone that Beecher cares about, Vick could return to his cell to find Beecher geeked up and violent.

not to mention, this fuck is a lawyer. and if you’ve ever spent time sitting in a cube next to a co-worker that knew a lil’ bit too much about how a pending case in pop culture was going, you can easily understand how spending 20 hours in a 6X9 with this legal beagle could be make your 12month sentence feel like 16 games against the ’85 Bears.

the best Vick can hope for — after yet another of one of the people beecher cares about is murdered, he might end up in a huddled mass of tears, bawlin’ in Vick’s arms then offering him a bit of sweet mouth.love.
what’s likely to happen — in an attempt to fram Beecher, Vick’ll catch an inventive method of murkination along the lines of being slammed into a pool of electrified water and drowning while unconscious.

outside of their holier-than-thou rants (just imagine how much Beecher or Said would bitch about the legal & moral aspects of dog-fighting) there is one more thing the muslim and the lawyer have in common — neither one of them is likely to attempt go spelunking down Vick’s manhole. from this point on though, all thoughts of a well preserved, exit only mangina can leave Vick’s thoughts, forever.

first, a little music to set the mood
[Click through to site to listen to the song]

3. Chris Keller
i have “a thing” for combining words. some examples are “persnickety bitch,” “swamp.gunch” and “blackwater snatch.” i typically use “blackwater snatch” to describe the amazing power contained in the badu delta. another personal favorite, although stolen from el-p is “liquid shit surprise.” i’m certain these brief illustrations can show how a couple of words that normally wouldn’t appear next to each other can have a way more powerful impact.

in describing Christopher Meloni’s character Chris Keller, wikipedia uses the phrase “bisexual serial killer.” that, my friend’s is fucking scary. Keller exhibited some strange form of male “blackwater snatch,” and would probably seduce Vick into giving up some sweaty swamp.gunch in the middle of the night leaving Vick mumbling about Orange Moon’s while laying in a steamy puddle of liquid shit surprise. of course, because he’s a persnickety bitch, Keller would flip flop on Vick afterwards leaving the former QB as confused as a Cover 3 Zone.

the best Vick can hope for — the best sex he’s ever had.
what’s likely to happen — broken arms and/or legs coupled with “early release” for “time well spent” in “the hole.”

2. Adebisi
is adebisi more stereotype or prototype?

• drug dealer turned addict. stereotype.
• ill-fitting hat and an indecipherable accent. prototype.
• terrific dancer. ?

i guess that’s up to you to decide.

the best Vick can hope for — due to his speed and elusiveness, Vick is able to avoid getting “sacked” by Adebisi much like penelope pussycat dodges pepe le pew. after proving that he retained his mobility, Vick quickly moves up the ranks in Adebisi’s drug running network and flourishes on the inside like he never did on the field.
what’s likely to happen — Vick becomes a real-life Paul Crewe, w/out the happy ending as his 17-32 163 1TD 2INT, 12RA for 123YD performance isn’t enough to lift his team past the guards and Vick gets his tendon sliced in the showers after the game.

1. Vernon Schillinger
although “bisexual serial.killer” is pretty frightenint, i don’t think it can compare with keeping with “ass-raping.nazi.” it’s difficult to see J K Simmons as anything other than a cornhole-throttling skinhead. every time Tobey’s spidey sense alerted him of danger, i thought we would see Jameson creeping up behind him to get a piece of that well toned mutant spider bunghole.

although Schillinger would probably refrain from taking up residence in Vick’s mancave he could probably be counted on for leasing rental space out to various other inmates. we can bet that he’d be branded in some form of fashion, either through a swastika over one of his buttcheeks, or worse, mike’s career completion percentage on his left hand.

the best Vick can hope for — quick clean death.
what’s likely to happen — friends? dead. family? dead. limbs & rectum? foo & bar, respectively.

In addition to a new host, their would need to be a few changes to the core elements of the gameshow. One of the first things necessary would be a nighttime broadcast and at least a PG-13 rating.

Contestant’s row would be replaced by “In the VIP.” Maybe the theme song could use a remix as well.
[Click through to site to listen to the song]

Although Bob has been slowly dumping some of the classic Barker’s Beauties over the years, Pacman would jettison the entire squad in favor of two teams of “shoe models” named Pacman’s Clappers & Jones Jigglers. Keeping with his sports roots, Steady-Duckin’-Pinky-&-Sue will use the one half of the broadcast to showcase the Clappers and the next to showcase the Jigglers to create a “sense of competition and tension.” The girls will cheer for their individual showcase champion at the end of the show during the Showcase Showdown. In addition, their will be a weekly Featured Dancer that performs prior to the Showcase Showdown.

And, as for the prizes…
nobody will make the cash drop like Mr. Make-It-Rain himself…
and for that, we’ll need new games!

• Cliff Hangers will be replaced by Pole Climbers.
  The goal is to have your dancer ascend to the loftiest height w/out her losing her grip and falling, face forward on the fist of one of your entourage members.
• Dice Game gets an added die and is now played under the rules of Cee-Lo.
  Soul Machine and Danger Mouse not included (bah-dum-CHING!)
• Hole in One keeps it’s name but gets a significant upgrade.
  The game will lose it’s signature putter and the SkyMall My Personal Putting Green will be replaced by a firing range and cutouts of security guards.
• More or Less will be replace by Hair or Weave.
  The goal, of course, will be to guess whether randomly picked assistant Clappers or Jigglers are sporting their natural hair or some of that Hawaiian Silky/ Yakky/ Wet ‘N Wavy.
• The Plinko chip will be replaced by a large wad of cash.
  The Plinko slots will be replaced by the slots of Clappers or Jigglers. If the contestant is lucky enough to have his wad land on this week’s featured dancer, he wins The Ultimate Prize!

Although these changes would probably confuse some of the longtime daytime viewers, Pacman would have to keep some games like Punch A Bunch exactly the same, even though, it may behoove him to remove all fistacular activities from the show.

ever since i saw this image, i have been more than a little bit interested in finding out how mermaids became the sexy representation for werefish. obviously, this tentacle haired squidskank has everything necessary to provide her partner w/an evening of sweet sensual sea sex. nice lips, ample bosom, and probably some incredible poon. take a lil’ time and give this some serious thought — swimming around in the depths of the ocean would help to keep it tight and you wouldn’t have to waste money or time on lubes. assuming, in accordance w/all existing male fantasies, that she’d be ready to go at the drop of an unbaited line, we are talking about the ultimate partner for those long voyages across the seas.

but, that’s not how things are. in actuality, it is the mermaid that has become the principle object of half-fish/half-woman affection. from tattoos to fan-fiction to big budget hollywood films.

now i’ve spent a lil’ bit of time w/google images. i’m sure some of you reading this right now have as well. (how else would you get here?) but i am yet to see how one can fuck a mermaid.

blowjobs? sure, no prob. if you can get past the fact that her hands are gonna be a bit scaly and it’ll feel like a cheap snakeskin belt is being drug across your balls as she tries to cup them, then, sure — a mermaid blowjob sounds like a fantastic idea.

tittyfuck? that works. you could sit at the edge of the pool, she’d keep her body inside and could make some crazy waves. i bet that’d be real calm and relaxing. in fact, i think this is the best possible sex you could have w/a mermaid. maybe a lil’ bj/tf combination as she creates soothing wave after wave. put a lil’ robin thicke on in the background, grease your nipples up w/fish oil — it’d be a fantastic time.

but, what about the good ol’ fashion? a lil’ bit of tab A into slot B? you can’t do that w/a mermaid, chief. take another look at the legs, or, lack thereof. ain’t no fuckin’ a mermaid.

maybe that’s what makes it sexy to some of y’all. that whole unrequited love, unfulfilled desire, untap(able)ped potential. but, yeah, i’m not made of that material. sexy is that which can receive a stiff cocking. you know, like, on a “deep root level.” i believe that there is no bottom deeper than the deep blue sea, save maybe deepest darkest africa, hwvr, mermaids are the ken slab of fantasies.

if you must resort to aqua based wet dreams, stick to atlantans. in almost every interpretation, they have legs and a functional coont. sometimes, they’re blue — in those situations, golden shower & get your kirk on.