as hilarious as the shaq video is, i think we all have a better idea of the ass kobe tastes on the regular, now. shouts out to those marty mcfly hyperdunks, though kobester. them shits bang.

super quick top 5 women that prolly banged shaq and/or kobe.

5. brandy.
this was during the braids period.  nothing sexy about extensions and a month of new growth.  plus, her pervert brother prolly skeeted on her in her sleep.  that’s something you can’t wash off.

4. random colorado women.
3. vanessa.
kobe’s dropped $4 mil on and two babies in this jawn after “discovering” her on a video shoot for you can’t stop the reign.  the bryants made jumping from high school to the pros a family tradition.

2. shaunie.
5 babies, a lifetime of shaq sweating on her and she still looks like this.  that’s pretty impressive.

1. superhead.
countless rappers can’t be wrong.

So, yeah, more championships, better wife, better sidepeices, better albums -v- better movies & kicks.  Shaq’s your clear winner.

although an occasional young lass manages to emerge from the pile of cheap accessories looking like a star, the majority of the people shooting for the moon end up lost in space. to help these ladies, i’ve compiled a list of the top 5 costume ideas that they should avoid at all costs. the idea is either overdone (there will be someone else at the party dressed just like you), not as sexy as she thinks (lady cops? lady, stop.) or way too difficult to pull off (hint – episode 4).

honorable mention – cheerleader.
the sexy cheerleader is the leading choice for sexy sports/athletics related costumes. there are plenty of options for the lady who wants to show off her sexy & playful side whilst giving in to her partner’s fantasy to plug his favorite athlete. the lingerie bowl gave us sexy football players, mariah showed us how a basketball jersey can become sexy, but none of these have the staying power of the sexy cheerleader.

why they just missed the list.
the thing about cheerleaders, is, they are oft-times sexy. so, although not every girl in a cheerleader outfit is sexy, most real life cheerleaders are. just look at these cheerleaders in halloween costumes. cheerleader in halloween costume vs regular lady in cheerleader costume is about as unfair as last Sunday’s Patriots-Redskins game. the sports genre also holds a few real-life sexy individuals like that volleyball chick, assketball sensation dnika romero, & various forms of questionably sexy bodybuilders, gymnasts & tennis stars.

5. french maids.
there is something inherently sexy about a young lady in a french maid costume. first off, when coupled w/shoes that should rarely be worn and never walked in, and properly gartered hosiery, we’ve got a tremendous base to what i personally consider sexy. outside of the legshow, the top typically exposes enough of the fleshymounds for something truly exciting.

so, with all these great ingredients, what’s wrong w/the french maid costume? for one, there are no real life french maids. so where the hell are all these different types of costumes coming from? the extreme variance of costume leads to an extreme variance on the type of person that wears the costume making it difficult to keep up a high standard of quality.

pros – heels, legs, cleavage.
cons – lack of originality & complete lack of real-life counterpart.

4. sexy cops.
pigs aren’t sexy. save that one shining example of pigly sexitude. the “sexy civil servant uniform” gets a huge thumbs down. that goes for sexy pilots, sexy firefighters, and all of the sexy armed services.

what the hell is up w/all the cross-pollination of sexy & military inspired uniforms? why isn’t there a sexy fast food cash register worker section? i’ve seen way more sexy women behind a starbucks counter or in those tight black mcdonald’s slacks than i’ve ever seen patrolling the fair streets of my city. and, we won’t mention the horrible high waist on most cop uniforms that create a glutinous gut division that is completely not.the.sexy.

i’m not into handcuffs, inappropriate usage of nightsticks or broom handles. no matter how interesting the concept of good cop-bad cop threeski weeski is, i’ll have to decline.

furthermore, let’s just get beyond all the goofy fantasy shit. the “sexy” cop is still rooted in the reality of existing female cops. and those female cops typically don’t look very sexy.

pros – maybe, good cop bad cop threeski weeski.
cons – i, personally, find officers of the law to be professionally unattractive. also handcuffs & nightsticks can only lead to bad things.

3. the sexy nurse.
the largest gap between what the fantasy costume has become and what the standard uniform actually is belongs to the “sexy nurse.” there’s no doubt that it’s possible to look “attractive” in a nurse uniform, just tune your boob tube to an episode of scrubs, grey’s, where you can catch one or two good looking women wearing scrubs. hwvr, that’s a unisex uniform and i can state, unilaterally, that it does not look sexy in and of itself. (most) real life nurses aren’t sexy. and neither are their uniforms. especially not their disgusting all white shoes.

even the fantasy of a nurse is a bit weird to me. i don’t understand why anyone would have a desire to catch a syringe from a nurse. sure, i know some people are into bloodplay, watersports and all other forms of scary fetish shizz, but, when most people think of sexy slim goodies in nursing outfits i tend to think of them as scary she-demons clad in industrial plastics waiting to tear into my flesh.

pros – plastique uniform makes for easy cleanup.
cons – professional unattractiveness, extremely unoriginal, real life counterpoints ruin any fantasy and even the fantasy is kucfed.

2. random superhero/ cosplay costume.
superhero costumes basically fall into one of 3 major superheroine styles — superwomen, wonderwomen and catwoman. it’s a shame that marvel hasn’t been able to create an iconic easily ripped off costume for one of their female heroines — but it’s their fault for making one of their lead women wear dirty, smoky blue sweats when she isn’t effin invisible.

we’re more likely to catch a poison ivy, harley quinn or gimp masked batgirl before we see storm or jean grey.

of course, there are far more superheroes out there, simple and intricate and many women decide to go that route instead of one of the big 3. those women, are big ass nerds, or wifey material, considering your point of view. these are your con visitors, your cosplay queens, the amidala in chapter 2 camera angle 46 freaks. people who know of, and generally enjoy tentacle rape, and not just for it’s visuals, but for the shreaking soundtrack, as well.

the big problem, is that most people in a costume are already trying to reach a fairly unattainable standard of beauty but now these people are trying to reach a standard that isn’t even based in reality. sure, felicia is a great character design but even though some may come close while not completely nailing the costume, others will get the costume correct, with frightening results.

pros – possible nostalgia points – linda carter WW or earth kitt catwoman rekindles flames.
cons – completely unoriginal or too obscure, impossible to meet standards, lady in costume may decide to use “the method approach”, the “sticky situation”.

counterpoint — much like paul dini, i have decided to encourage my woman to dress as zatanna (the no buttons version) this halloween. in her best incarnation, she’s got the fishnets & the explosion w/out being as common as a french maid, or as overdone as one of the big three. a tinge of obscurity and a dash of easy access makes for the best possible blend. now, i’ve just got to find a tapered jacket w/tails.

1. schoolgirls
schoolgirls aren’t sexy.
schoolgirls are 5-10, depending on your state’s laws and whether or not you’ve got a world tour planned in the upcoming month.
pigtails aren’t sexy, they are childish.
britney wasn’t sexy, she was jailbait.

no links to pictures, you disgustoids. for shame.
for shame.

pros – none.
cons – does the phrase, “to catch a predator” ring any bells?

disagree?
leave a comment — throw a link to some images. i’m willing to debate, i could be wrong.

Check out previous Top Fives.
Top Five Possible Cellmates for Michael Vick: Oz Edition
Top Five Bra-Alternatives

up until this point, Vick has lived a life of fun, frivolity and fantasy, so, his next step should be into a world of whimsy, namely, Oz. of course, i am talking about HBO’s Oswald State Correctional Facility. i couldn’t possibly think of a better place to learn about life behind bars than turning to the great givers of knowledge, my emotional mom: TV and my pragmatic pop: the Intarweb.

on to the list…

5. Kareem Said
outside of his annoying muslim rhetoric Vick will also have to deal with his around the clock praying, educated-man over-annunciating, Said mumbling ideas about his next book and frequent visits from his underlings.

the best Vick can hope for — Said’s charismatic ways and strong conviction will force Mike to reevaluate his life decisions and he’ll come out muslim like Mike (Tyson, that is). after changing his name to Ahmad Dawgsrokka, he’ll quietly return to the NFL.
what’s likely to happen — tasty beanpies and some interesting reading in the next copy of the final call, on the good side. on the bad, gets hit by a stray bullet fired in Said’s direction and ends up in one of Augustus’s hand me down wheelchairs.

4. Tobias Beecher
Beecher probably won’t attempt to kill Vick. But, he is unstable and prone to erratic changes in his mood and thus, his behaviour. while in Oz, basically everybody in Beecher’s life was a target, so, if you have a nice positive relationship w/the Beech, you may find yourself in harm’s way. also, depending on whether or not Schillinger and the KKKrew have recently attempted to kill anyone that Beecher cares about, Vick could return to his cell to find Beecher geeked up and violent.

not to mention, this fuck is a lawyer. and if you’ve ever spent time sitting in a cube next to a co-worker that knew a lil’ bit too much about how a pending case in pop culture was going, you can easily understand how spending 20 hours in a 6X9 with this legal beagle could be make your 12month sentence feel like 16 games against the ’85 Bears.

the best Vick can hope for — after yet another of one of the people beecher cares about is murdered, he might end up in a huddled mass of tears, bawlin’ in Vick’s arms then offering him a bit of sweet mouth.love.
what’s likely to happen — in an attempt to fram Beecher, Vick’ll catch an inventive method of murkination along the lines of being slammed into a pool of electrified water and drowning while unconscious.

outside of their holier-than-thou rants (just imagine how much Beecher or Said would bitch about the legal & moral aspects of dog-fighting) there is one more thing the muslim and the lawyer have in common — neither one of them is likely to attempt go spelunking down Vick’s manhole. from this point on though, all thoughts of a well preserved, exit only mangina can leave Vick’s thoughts, forever.

first, a little music to set the mood
[Click through to site to listen to the song]

3. Chris Keller
i have “a thing” for combining words. some examples are “persnickety bitch,” “swamp.gunch” and “blackwater snatch.” i typically use “blackwater snatch” to describe the amazing power contained in the badu delta. another personal favorite, although stolen from el-p is “liquid shit surprise.” i’m certain these brief illustrations can show how a couple of words that normally wouldn’t appear next to each other can have a way more powerful impact.

in describing Christopher Meloni’s character Chris Keller, wikipedia uses the phrase “bisexual serial killer.” that, my friend’s is fucking scary. Keller exhibited some strange form of male “blackwater snatch,” and would probably seduce Vick into giving up some sweaty swamp.gunch in the middle of the night leaving Vick mumbling about Orange Moon’s while laying in a steamy puddle of liquid shit surprise. of course, because he’s a persnickety bitch, Keller would flip flop on Vick afterwards leaving the former QB as confused as a Cover 3 Zone.

the best Vick can hope for — the best sex he’s ever had.
what’s likely to happen — broken arms and/or legs coupled with “early release” for “time well spent” in “the hole.”

2. Adebisi
is adebisi more stereotype or prototype?

• drug dealer turned addict. stereotype.
• ill-fitting hat and an indecipherable accent. prototype.
• terrific dancer. ?

i guess that’s up to you to decide.

the best Vick can hope for — due to his speed and elusiveness, Vick is able to avoid getting “sacked” by Adebisi much like penelope pussycat dodges pepe le pew. after proving that he retained his mobility, Vick quickly moves up the ranks in Adebisi’s drug running network and flourishes on the inside like he never did on the field.
what’s likely to happen — Vick becomes a real-life Paul Crewe, w/out the happy ending as his 17-32 163 1TD 2INT, 12RA for 123YD performance isn’t enough to lift his team past the guards and Vick gets his tendon sliced in the showers after the game.

1. Vernon Schillinger
although “bisexual serial.killer” is pretty frightenint, i don’t think it can compare with keeping with “ass-raping.nazi.” it’s difficult to see J K Simmons as anything other than a cornhole-throttling skinhead. every time Tobey’s spidey sense alerted him of danger, i thought we would see Jameson creeping up behind him to get a piece of that well toned mutant spider bunghole.

although Schillinger would probably refrain from taking up residence in Vick’s mancave he could probably be counted on for leasing rental space out to various other inmates. we can bet that he’d be branded in some form of fashion, either through a swastika over one of his buttcheeks, or worse, mike’s career completion percentage on his left hand.

the best Vick can hope for — quick clean death.
what’s likely to happen — friends? dead. family? dead. limbs & rectum? foo & bar, respectively.

hopefully, that establishes my ethos (with a lil’ bit of pathos), now, on to the list (w/a side of logos)…

honorable mention (team) – midnight express.
the midnight express was just like the rock ‘n’ roll express, except, of course, better. from the veg-o-matic to the rocket launcher, the midnight express had a vast array of tag team maneuvers with great names. also, because of their sexy man-candy gimmicks, you can bet they got the bestest of older worn-out-my-favorite-band-is-touring-on-the-other-side-of-the-country trim when out on the road.

listen to KRS rock over their classic theme music.

[Click through to site to listen to the song]

honorable mention (move) – double stomp/cop killa.
low ki (loki, get it?) decided to change his ringname to senshi. that’s stupid. homicide, on the other hand, has been able to keep his ringname although he was forced to rename his version of the kudo driver to “the gringo killer.” although this move is spectacular (yes!) these two are no longer a team and i’ve never seen them in a match, so, since it’s my list, it doesn’t crack the top five.

5. spike piledriver.
before assorted indie drivers, powerbombs and even before the ddt — the piledriver was the scariest thing ever. not only did you have a sweat drenched malesack in a banana hammock against the back of your exposed neck, chances are, you were about to headbutt the concrete. after that thing that happened to that dude’s neck, the E basically outlawed the use of all variations of the piledriver, so generations of children won’t be able to understand the truly vicious nature of taking a spike piledriver. instead they are forced to live in a world where a ELEVATED FIREMAN’S CARRY is a legit no-kickout finisher.

fun fact: buffy the vampire’s character spike was named after this move. that’s why he’s so fuckin’ hardcore.

4. event omega. (the hardyz)
jumping from opposite ringposts is one of the coolest things you can ever do as a tag team. in fact, it may be the coolest thing you can do. i always tried something like this when i used my g.i.joes to wrestle. the hardyz have gone on to become somewhat of a sensation, but, when they had the tie dye gear w/the stupid headbands, seeing these guys pull this off on a saturday morn was one of the most totally radical moments a “kid” could have.

3. total elimination. (the eliminators)
outside of the questionable ring attire, the eliminators were one of my favorite parts of the old ecw. a couple of guys willing to brawl around the arena w/the likes of the gangstas and the pitbulls, but w/the technical skill to mix it up w/rey misterio, rob van dam & sabu. before kronus turned into a tub of goo & saturn started his short-lived crimefigting career, the total elimination was a beautiful display of violence.

2. double dropkick. (the rock ‘n’ roll express)
ricky & robert, or as heenan would say, “mickey mouse morton & donald duck gibson” dressed like teenage girls at a debbie gibson mall appearance. it was if someone shredded a trapper-keeper, grabbed some zubaz patterns and took still shots of an acid dream — blended it w/some of the sweetest rock-mullets ever and added a bandanna (or 10) to make the mound of AWESOME into a couple sentient beings. to put it in current context, it was like taking a M.I.A. album cover, creating a wiki to build upon the legend of the color clash then watching those zeros and ones come to life. as a slender likkle yout man dem, i empathized w/ricky & robert. robert, unhandsome and not.blonde would spend the majority of his time outside the ring watching his partner take a beasting from russians, horsemen & leather dandies.

but, of course, eventually ricky would make that desperate leap or dive roll to his corner so robert could enter, “a house on fire,” throwing punches, back body drops and single dropkicks. robert would typically catch a bit of the beating as ricky zero-min-recovered to join the fray and then, out of nowhere, the double dropkick.

1. the doomsday device. (the road warriors)
what countless top XX lists have showed me is that, despite personal preferences, their are certain inarguable facts in this world that you must accept. the road warriors (legion of doom, L.O.D. 2000) are the greatest tag team to ever sport a pair of spiked pads. that is the entry point for any tag team wrestling discussion. the road warriors were so great that a knockoff like demolition could still get rated like one of the best tag teams in history. that’s like greedy genius getting a sneaker design award.

Darsow “explains” his Swagger Jacking

i have never seen anyone kick out of the doomsday device when performed by the road warriors. now, maybe LOD 2000 or Animal & Heidenreich allowed a punk to kickout at some point in time, but I never saw that either, and like brokeback, will never watch any footage, even if it does exist.

we all know that wrestling has predetermined outcomes (read: fake) but anybody that’s taken a knife edge chop or allowed themselves to be on the receiving end of a figure four leglock can tell you that their is some real pain (read: ouch) involved. nothing illustrates how devastating a maneuver is (potentially) than by watching it performed by untrained idiots w/little to no parental supervision.

it is that “real” threat of pain that makes any wrestling move credible. coupled with the in match results — the doomsday device is the best tag team finisher ever.

Honorable Mention: the surface-bra.
whether up against a wall, mirror or the convenient edge of a well cropped photo, the use of an obstructing surface is quite possibly the “classiest” way to take the topless pic. it’s a tasteful way to leave a lil’ to the imagination, unless, of course, we’re talking about our girl Coco .

5. the belt-bra.
the first cover of my first dotcom was to feature this fantastic belt bra picture of Hollywood of G.L.O.W. fame. instead, i decided to mimic the chromium covers of my comic book collecting days. i learned a fantastic lesson — belt-bras are a fantastic idea but are difficult to execute correctly in real life w/out looking like a complete idiot. not only is it something that looks better in anime/hentai settings but also on women w/substantially less boobage than i prefer.

4. body paint.
between sports illustrated, various biker street festivals, nightclub promotions and killer mutant bitches — the concept of being naked under some paint is a bit stale at this point. although some truly amazing things can be done, when it comes down to it, it’s still just a naked breezy. not to mention, that sometimes the paintjobs are just too damn distracting and keep you from enjoying the thing you came for. the boobles.

3. the hair-bra.
this probably isn’t stated enough, but, that white girl has a weave. which one? all of them. jessica simpson rocks a half wig and countless other pinktoes have mastered the art of extensions. spending any time w/a black woman in public will show you that most have the ability to eyeball a Motown Tress from 60 paces, and due to exposure at the job area they’ve also gained the ability to pick out Renee of Paris from increasingly far distances. much like acquired traits, the astute male can also pick up on the ability to notice if it’s live or memorex. what’s this got to do w/titties, yo? whether it’s fake on fake, real on real, or any mix of the two, the hair.strands over bare.yams method is always a good look.

2. (tie) the suspend-a-bra/ tie bra.
women in men’s dress shirts is a common photo. tons of women think it’s super sexy to get their man’s white work shirt and greet ‘em at the door in a good pair of pumps. i play on the internet for a living, so coming home to my old lady seductively sauntering around the computer room in a dusty old navy polo isn’t the most exciting thing i can think of. as a staunch supportor of casual friday and all forms of non-professional dress, i personally prefer commando under a beater as the top choice for women-in-men’s fashion. now, if you’re the type of guy that likes his ladies suited and booted, may i suggest she drop that shirt & jacket & rock the tie or suspenders alone.

1. the handbra.
thanks to Janet Jackson, and tons of slightly naughty youngsters on myyoutubespace the handbra has become the number one alternative coverage for many a young female across the intarweb. it is, of course, the technique utilized by one jayde steele during the greateast picture of all time.what i really love about the handbra are the various styles a lady can use to mask the “offending area” of her bosom. from the standard single arm technique used by Lil Kim and Nicole Pankey to the fantastic dual forearm deep cleavage styles of Summer Walker and Niki Belucci, women have used every part of their elbows and beyond to place their titterlings in the most flattering of lights. outside of the teenage fascination of immediate fascination of a woman manhandling her own tittyballs, the handbra works for those with mammoth mammaries, as well as members of the IBTC.