as hilarious as the shaq video is, i think we all have a better idea of the ass kobe tastes on the regular, now. shouts out to those marty mcfly hyperdunks, though kobester. them shits bang.

super quick top 5 women that prolly banged shaq and/or kobe.

5. brandy.
this was during the braids period.  nothing sexy about extensions and a month of new growth.  plus, her pervert brother prolly skeeted on her in her sleep.  that’s something you can’t wash off.

4. random colorado women.
3. vanessa.
kobe’s dropped $4 mil on and two babies in this jawn after “discovering” her on a video shoot for you can’t stop the reign.  the bryants made jumping from high school to the pros a family tradition.

2. shaunie.
5 babies, a lifetime of shaq sweating on her and she still looks like this.  that’s pretty impressive.

1. superhead.
countless rappers can’t be wrong.

So, yeah, more championships, better wife, better sidepeices, better albums -v- better movies & kicks.  Shaq’s your clear winner.

up until this point, Vick has lived a life of fun, frivolity and fantasy, so, his next step should be into a world of whimsy, namely, Oz. of course, i am talking about HBO’s Oswald State Correctional Facility. i couldn’t possibly think of a better place to learn about life behind bars than turning to the great givers of knowledge, my emotional mom: TV and my pragmatic pop: the Intarweb.

on to the list…

5. Kareem Said
outside of his annoying muslim rhetoric Vick will also have to deal with his around the clock praying, educated-man over-annunciating, Said mumbling ideas about his next book and frequent visits from his underlings.

the best Vick can hope for — Said’s charismatic ways and strong conviction will force Mike to reevaluate his life decisions and he’ll come out muslim like Mike (Tyson, that is). after changing his name to Ahmad Dawgsrokka, he’ll quietly return to the NFL.
what’s likely to happen — tasty beanpies and some interesting reading in the next copy of the final call, on the good side. on the bad, gets hit by a stray bullet fired in Said’s direction and ends up in one of Augustus’s hand me down wheelchairs.

4. Tobias Beecher
Beecher probably won’t attempt to kill Vick. But, he is unstable and prone to erratic changes in his mood and thus, his behaviour. while in Oz, basically everybody in Beecher’s life was a target, so, if you have a nice positive relationship w/the Beech, you may find yourself in harm’s way. also, depending on whether or not Schillinger and the KKKrew have recently attempted to kill anyone that Beecher cares about, Vick could return to his cell to find Beecher geeked up and violent.

not to mention, this fuck is a lawyer. and if you’ve ever spent time sitting in a cube next to a co-worker that knew a lil’ bit too much about how a pending case in pop culture was going, you can easily understand how spending 20 hours in a 6X9 with this legal beagle could be make your 12month sentence feel like 16 games against the ’85 Bears.

the best Vick can hope for — after yet another of one of the people beecher cares about is murdered, he might end up in a huddled mass of tears, bawlin’ in Vick’s arms then offering him a bit of sweet mouth.love.
what’s likely to happen — in an attempt to fram Beecher, Vick’ll catch an inventive method of murkination along the lines of being slammed into a pool of electrified water and drowning while unconscious.

outside of their holier-than-thou rants (just imagine how much Beecher or Said would bitch about the legal & moral aspects of dog-fighting) there is one more thing the muslim and the lawyer have in common — neither one of them is likely to attempt go spelunking down Vick’s manhole. from this point on though, all thoughts of a well preserved, exit only mangina can leave Vick’s thoughts, forever.

first, a little music to set the mood
[Click through to site to listen to the song]

3. Chris Keller
i have “a thing” for combining words. some examples are “persnickety bitch,” “swamp.gunch” and “blackwater snatch.” i typically use “blackwater snatch” to describe the amazing power contained in the badu delta. another personal favorite, although stolen from el-p is “liquid shit surprise.” i’m certain these brief illustrations can show how a couple of words that normally wouldn’t appear next to each other can have a way more powerful impact.

in describing Christopher Meloni’s character Chris Keller, wikipedia uses the phrase “bisexual serial killer.” that, my friend’s is fucking scary. Keller exhibited some strange form of male “blackwater snatch,” and would probably seduce Vick into giving up some sweaty swamp.gunch in the middle of the night leaving Vick mumbling about Orange Moon’s while laying in a steamy puddle of liquid shit surprise. of course, because he’s a persnickety bitch, Keller would flip flop on Vick afterwards leaving the former QB as confused as a Cover 3 Zone.

the best Vick can hope for — the best sex he’s ever had.
what’s likely to happen — broken arms and/or legs coupled with “early release” for “time well spent” in “the hole.”

2. Adebisi
is adebisi more stereotype or prototype?

• drug dealer turned addict. stereotype.
• ill-fitting hat and an indecipherable accent. prototype.
• terrific dancer. ?

i guess that’s up to you to decide.

the best Vick can hope for — due to his speed and elusiveness, Vick is able to avoid getting “sacked” by Adebisi much like penelope pussycat dodges pepe le pew. after proving that he retained his mobility, Vick quickly moves up the ranks in Adebisi’s drug running network and flourishes on the inside like he never did on the field.
what’s likely to happen — Vick becomes a real-life Paul Crewe, w/out the happy ending as his 17-32 163 1TD 2INT, 12RA for 123YD performance isn’t enough to lift his team past the guards and Vick gets his tendon sliced in the showers after the game.

1. Vernon Schillinger
although “bisexual serial.killer” is pretty frightenint, i don’t think it can compare with keeping with “ass-raping.nazi.” it’s difficult to see J K Simmons as anything other than a cornhole-throttling skinhead. every time Tobey’s spidey sense alerted him of danger, i thought we would see Jameson creeping up behind him to get a piece of that well toned mutant spider bunghole.

although Schillinger would probably refrain from taking up residence in Vick’s mancave he could probably be counted on for leasing rental space out to various other inmates. we can bet that he’d be branded in some form of fashion, either through a swastika over one of his buttcheeks, or worse, mike’s career completion percentage on his left hand.

the best Vick can hope for — quick clean death.
what’s likely to happen — friends? dead. family? dead. limbs & rectum? foo & bar, respectively.

In addition to a new host, their would need to be a few changes to the core elements of the gameshow. One of the first things necessary would be a nighttime broadcast and at least a PG-13 rating.

Contestant’s row would be replaced by “In the VIP.” Maybe the theme song could use a remix as well.
[Click through to site to listen to the song]

Although Bob has been slowly dumping some of the classic Barker’s Beauties over the years, Pacman would jettison the entire squad in favor of two teams of “shoe models” named Pacman’s Clappers & Jones Jigglers. Keeping with his sports roots, Steady-Duckin’-Pinky-&-Sue will use the one half of the broadcast to showcase the Clappers and the next to showcase the Jigglers to create a “sense of competition and tension.” The girls will cheer for their individual showcase champion at the end of the show during the Showcase Showdown. In addition, their will be a weekly Featured Dancer that performs prior to the Showcase Showdown.

And, as for the prizes…
nobody will make the cash drop like Mr. Make-It-Rain himself…
and for that, we’ll need new games!

• Cliff Hangers will be replaced by Pole Climbers.
  The goal is to have your dancer ascend to the loftiest height w/out her losing her grip and falling, face forward on the fist of one of your entourage members.
• Dice Game gets an added die and is now played under the rules of Cee-Lo.
  Soul Machine and Danger Mouse not included (bah-dum-CHING!)
• Hole in One keeps it’s name but gets a significant upgrade.
  The game will lose it’s signature putter and the SkyMall My Personal Putting Green will be replaced by a firing range and cutouts of security guards.
• More or Less will be replace by Hair or Weave.
  The goal, of course, will be to guess whether randomly picked assistant Clappers or Jigglers are sporting their natural hair or some of that Hawaiian Silky/ Yakky/ Wet ‘N Wavy.
• The Plinko chip will be replaced by a large wad of cash.
  The Plinko slots will be replaced by the slots of Clappers or Jigglers. If the contestant is lucky enough to have his wad land on this week’s featured dancer, he wins The Ultimate Prize!

Although these changes would probably confuse some of the longtime daytime viewers, Pacman would have to keep some games like Punch A Bunch exactly the same, even though, it may behoove him to remove all fistacular activities from the show.